Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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