anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
