Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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