I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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