my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
