12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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