Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
