I need help removing her.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
