i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Everyone says I win the strip club
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
