just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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