I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
