Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
