My balls are so social today.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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