Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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