I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
