eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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