he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Randomize
