Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
