Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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