bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
