my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
then he tried to convert me to islam
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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