he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
