Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
