non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
