i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
