i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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