Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
