your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
