yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
