I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
