Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
