i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
