I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
