Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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