Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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