apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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