I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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