I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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