If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
