So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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