My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
