alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
