Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
