It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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