She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
