I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
