Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
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