the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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