Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Will exercising make me less horny?
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