oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
