she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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