They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
