Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
