u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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