theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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