Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
